NikkerZ

It’s a little after 11 pm and I’m watching “The First 48 Hours” (crime investigation show) in an effort to feel better about my life. Actually, I think it’s working. 

I’m looking at my dog Otis, who is sleeping on his back with his belly exposed…just snoooozin’ away. What I wouldn’t give for an ounce of that relaxation! I’m a tad stressed…..but really, it’s been that way for about 2 1/2 years…..how does one go from nice house in the subdivision with a comfortable lifestyle to homeless? Yep, that’s me.

Forgive me for being frustrated but to be alone is one of the darkest feelings I’ve ever experienced…

Toss in “unable to obtain gainful employment (submit resumes 24/7, interviews and hit the businesses by foot…no one will hire me.)”, prostitution offers, social ostracization towards me and my children….the people in my city (which has been my home for 15 years) have ostracized me but no one has the ballz to tell me what the hell is going on…..the vandalism and break in’s…the trespassers…the whispers…the stares…the fact that I haven’t been out on a physical date for a year and a half…it’s all making me paranoid and schizophrenic. I’m starting to wonder if a trip to a mental hospital is in order? I actually believe that a state prison would be better than the Hell I’ve gone through. I keep thinking back about the condition this house was in when I first arrived and cannot believe the tenants did what they did…the smell of RV Septic Sewage will remain embedded in my mind forever…in addition to the cockroaches….I’ll never forget washing my face one night, then going to dry my it while a cockroach was on the towel, rubbing into my face….evidentally I disturbed their environment with my cleaning efforts….the cleaning process has been “horrifying”…….

When I left the other UTOPIAN, HEAVENLY house I rented, I had Merry Maids come in twice before I left to help make sure everything was perfectly clean, everything scrubbed and pristine, linen washed (even though the washer/dryer was down for 3 weeks), I created a vacation closet with new games, etc. for rainy days, art kit, bubbles, reupholsterd furniture, etc. organized their closets, cupboards, yard work (tons of large plastic storage bins strewn throughout the side yards w/garbage), etc. that were packed and overflowing with bags and boxes….I even organized nails and batteries…and I never got my deposit back!??!! I can’t IMAGINE what the original landowners thought when they walked into THIS mess….it’s nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life…the smell…..the smell…..the SMELL! After a year of gutting and cleaning…I can safely say the roaches and smell are both gone. Toss in social isolation, social ostracization, financial crisis and harrassment-you’ve got yourself one helluva party……I am just tired! I keep wondering if I should just abandon everything? Just leave…because there is very little support on this end….being alone sux.